On Ballet and Bikes with Red Flames

Eszter at Crooked Timber writes,
Our world is so gender-based that it is hard for people to think about a person without knowing the person’s gender. But what is it exactly about a baby that makes it necessary for us to know its gender? In what ways is it going to be important? Is it so we can say whether the baby is beautiful versus handsome?

Before Jonah was born, I was very adament about not cramming traditional gender roles down my kid's throat. I told Steve that I really wanted Jonah to take ballet lessons. Steve squirmed. "What would the other kids say? You're going get the kid beaten up, Laura." Then Jonah came out and if boyness is on a scale, he's at the far end. If I made him take ballet lessons, I would be cramming untraditional gender roles down his throat.

(I had to pause mid-post to take the boys out on their bikes with red flames through the muddy streets.)

Prior to kids, I poo-pooed gender differences. Any differences were sociologically programmed. Since I have had kids, I am convinced that some gender differences are biological. I once accidentally bought a set of girly pull ups for Jonah, he rejected them immediately. From an early age, he seemed to take great joy in banging his cars into each other. The louder the crash the better. Like other boys his age, he ran before he could talk. Ian, who is two, has followed the same pattern, but is slightly less active. He walked at 10 months, while Jonah walked at 8 months.

We've worked to moderate the kid's boyness. They have a pretend highchair for their dolls and a set of pots and pans. They do play with those toys, but not as often as their trains and cars.

Comparing the kids in the playground, there are definitely some kids who fit the stereotypes, like my kids, but there are also a few girls hanging from the monkey bars and a few boys sitting quietly on a bench.

But back to Ezster's original post. I do agree with her. It is funny how gender is the primary way of identifying newborn babies. I guess because other than their gender, newborns are pretty identical at that point. All just red faced monkeys.

Comments

[emjaybee]

Insisting on advertising a baby's gender wasn't even a big issue in western culture until the 20th century. Boys and girls both wore dresses until age 5 or so. Perhaps because they often died so young, or perhaps because gender roles were so well-enforced elsewhere. Maybe it was when science began to discover how early personality was formed that parents began to worry about teaching gender roles at an earlier age.

It does bug me, not so much that a boy would be more or less boyish as that he might cause anxiety in his parents when he steps outside that role. My nephew loved wearing his mom's heels when he was small, and it made my brother very anxious. I wouldn't mind if parents just let the kids figure it out instead of freaking out about it (not that you are).

[Another Damned Medievalist]

Just remember -- well-rounded is nothing to sneeze at. Gene Kelly played football, too.

[Jeannette]

On a purely practical note: I can see how it would be much easier changing old-fashioned diapers on old-fashioned little boys wearing old-fashioned dresses rather than old-fashioned trousers. Not that I have any kids of my own, but I have changed many a cloth diaper in my day.

[teep]

A footsoldier in the gender wars lo these thirty years, I can only add the following bit of information:

If your little girl asks for a Tonka dump truck (like Roy's) for Christmas, the proper response is NOT to get her a dollbaby with a pink highchair. The proper response is to get her a Tonka dump truck. If you feel, for some reason, that she *needs* a dollbaby with a pink high chair, by all means get her one, but don't ignore the dump truck request.

http://www.bedford.net/teep58.htm

[carla]

Some of you may remember Lois Gould's book about Baby X . . .
http://www.trans-man.org/baby_x.html
(You can also find a PDF version by googling gould baby X.)

[Shamhat]

Consumer Reports once did a test at some daycare facilities on the effectiveness of disposable diapers and found that "girl" and "boy" diapers performed equally well on both genders--but parents (who agreed to participate) were very upset if their sons were wearing girl diapers when they picked them up.

It's interesting that wearing blue doesn't contaminate a girl baby like wearing pink contaminates a boy baby.

You could point out to your husband that the one boy who sticks with ballet until his early teens will get to dance with ALL of the cute girls.

[matilde]

Hmmmm...when we were little, I owned about 7 Barbies, 2 baby dolls, played house and longed for an Easy Bake Oven, while my brother had an elaborate train set, HeMan and GI Joes and longed for a Bebe gun.

Today, I'm a lesbian with a crew cut in a highly technical male-dominated field and he's an elementary school teacher.

Not sure what this means except that clearly our toys failed to properly do their supposed gender indoctrination

[Palin]

As a mother of a son and a daughter I have always tried to bring them both up to think beyond any stereotypes, and have done my utmost to promote the view that all people are different but equal.

From a a young age my son was fascinated by anything with wheels and had spotted a toy upright hoover that he wanted because it had wheels on it. Having bought it, I was disappointed when visitors repeatedly just assumed it was my daughters. This, from parents who would openly debate - down to the last nappy change - whose turn it was to do the childcare or housework.

15 years later my son still loves anything with wheels, especially the family car! ;)