Weekend Journal

Last week, I took the kids to Former Town where I grew up and my parents still live. It's just fifteen minutes away, so we're there quite often for trips to their nature center or for Sunday dinners with my folks. My mom signed up Ian for a special needs sports class through the town recreation program. Former Town has a lot of rich people in it, so they have great local programs that our town can't manage.

I dropped off Jonah at my mom's and took Ian to the local middle school for the gym class. As it often happens with special ed programs, the other students in the class were much more severely affected than Ian. He doesn't fit in any category. He had a good time anyway. We ran around the gym, and one boy from his school was there to keep him company.

As the kids played, I sat at the edge of the gym and chatted with the mom of his classmate. At birthday parties, we'll chat about school stuff, but that's the extent of our friendship. I don't even know her name.

We were talking about some school matter, when she suddenly changed the subject. She told me that her ivy-league educated, MBA husband has been beating her. He blamed her for toys out of place and for the disabilities in his kids. She didn't need me to do anything. The correct people were already involved and restraining orders were in place. But she was still clearly traumatized and needed an ear. She needed to talk to anyone, even a nameless, friendly face.

Jo(e) writes an excellent post on why women fall into these relationships. I learned a lot from her post about how abused people keep secrets and are blind to red flags. 

I see some echoes of Jo(e)'s story on my block. There are two families that are struggling. Their kids aren't being physically harmed, but they are seriously neglected as their parents abuse alcohol and drugs and are haunted by demons. We feed those kids and talk to them and encourage them, but lines have to be drawn. If boundaries aren't set, then their troubles enter your house and leave dirty shoe prints everywhere.

This woman from Former Town was different. She is upper middle class and educated. Her kids have good haircuts and nice clothes. But abuse can happen anywhere.

Jo(e) told her tale in the hopes that continued talk about this subject will bring some solutions. I hope so.

Comments

[Heather]

This is very personal to me. One of my dearest friends is in an abusive relationship. Having known the family for years, I was *shocked* as our friendship drew closer and she shared the details of her life. We live in a small community and everyone just loves this family; stereotypically both parents are extremely active in a local church and the dad excels professionally at a well known public job. People think of them as "a great family" (just heard that comment last week at work).

I feel powerless. He's told her if she ever leaves she'll never see her f-ing kids again. He abuses the children as well as her. He recently took a paycut at work and their stress level is over the top. Yet another thing that concerns me is that in my research I've found that most women aren't telling how bad it *really* is.

I don't know how to help. My friend is trapped. This abusive lifestyle and low self esteem is showing up in her kids (all under the age of 11). I feel sick. People recommend she go to a shelter or something. Many people that make that recommendation have no idea how difficult that is in real life. We live in a midwest town with a population of 1,900. She leaves, she dies. And maybe her kids, too.

H.

[laura]

Oh, that's just awful, Heather. I'm not an expert by any means about this sort of thing, so I'm hesitant to give advice. Perhaps she needs a smaller step before she's ready to walk out entirely. Can she talk to a professional about her problems? Is she employed? She needs to protect herself economically by having her own source of income.

[Wendy]

Hidden cameras. And a better criminal justice system.

*sigh* I'm so sorry, Heather.

[bj]

Blogs? At the library? Perhaps reading stories of others who found a way out will help? I too have no practical advise, and I also agree that un-knowledgeable advice is worse than none.

Honestly, hidden cameras and a better criminal justice system aren't the solution in this situation. The problem is that a woman's life and family is so inter-meshed with her husband's that to make the break requires the woman to make a huge transition out of one life to another. And, as Heather points out, the other one will be hard, too, even in the best of circumstances.

[Amy P]

I like Lundry Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That?", a book which focuses on the mental processes of abusers. The quick answer is that abuse works for the abuser and gets him what he wants. I'm not sure Bancroft thesis covers all cases well (he minimizes mental illness as a factor), but it does help to explain what an amazingly diverse pool of abusive men (black, white, rich, poor, religious, sensitive new age guys, 12-steppers, etc.) have in common.

[Heather]

Thanks for your concern. No, my friend has no income. They mutually decided she would leave her career 10 years ago and be a SAHM. Last year, when she was seriously looking into leaving him, she checked out possible jobs. Turns out it would take about 2 years and several thousand dollars to bring her certification up to date. She has no money. He controls it all and gives her a little over $100 a week for grocery money.

He constantly berates her, manipulates her, calls her 5 times a day....it is so textbook I can't believe it. And everywhere I go in our small community, I hear about what great kids they have, they seem like such good parents, etc.etc. which is what I had always thought too. :(

He's whipped their 7yo dd with a belt, he's given their 10yo ds a bloody nose, he forces s-x at least once a day every day...even when she was recovering from a miscarriage. I've thought about an anonymous call to Social Services, but sometimes that can be harmful too. Not to mention she would know I was the one to call and she's repeatedly told me not to tell authorities or the abuse would be so much worse.

This is getting to be long, but I've held it in and had no one to share it with IRL other than my dh.

But this has made me realize we ALL know someone being abused and often times it's the family where we would say "It would *never* happen there."

Peace,
H.

[Amy P]

Heather,

Just for your own sanity, I'd start putting away some money for your friend every month ($100, $200, $800, whatever you can swing) and tell her what you're doing. I would even consider keeping it in cash at home, so that you could give it to her at a moment's notice. It's not much, but it's something that you can do now.

[laura]

If the authorities get involved, he'll have to leave the house and she can get a restraining order against him. If she has the help of extended family, she can hire a good lawyer and a get a good settlement. With the money, she can get herself back on her feet. She can even take a secretary job for a while just to have some disposable income.

Leaving is very difficult, especially when you're so down trodden. You're right to point out the obstacles. But it is not impossible. The woman I was talking to had no immediate family nearby and had been physically abused for three years, before the schools and the cops got involved. But once those official steps had been put in place, she was safe. Your friend's husband is wrong about her not seeing the kids again; if the state gets involved, he won't see the kids again. She doesn't have to go to a shelter. She can get him kicked out of the house.

[Wendy]

Hidden cameras. Document, document, document. She should keep a list of things he does somehow. (There are ways to hide files in .jpgs, fwiw.)

Then a decent criminal justice system would ensure that he would be put behind bars and/or kept away.

Society has very little tolerance for people who physically abuse others. He must be delusional to think he could keep custody of the kids if she ever reported him.

[bj]

I feel very cautious about giving any advice, or promising any outcomes, after hearing about stories that did not come out well. Sometimes, women are not protected when they leave their husbands, sometimes, children end up in worse circumstances.

I did do a web search to look for web resrouces, and found this: http://www.ndvh.org/

When you go there, there's a "quick escape" function that allows you to be redirected immediately, in case looking at the site could put you in danger.

Leslie Morgan Steiner (columnist, and author of Mommy Wars) has a new book out on her first marriage and abusive relationship (Crazy Love). I've read "Escape" (by Carolyn Jessop and the FLDS). I think the most difficult thing I'm just starting to understand is *why don't people just leave*. I think the answer is truly complicated, and I'd be just as worried about the advice I'd give in this situation as I would to diagnose someone's serious illness.

[bj]

And, as Elie Wiesel wrote (and Jo(e) echoes) "Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented." Talking is good. Listening is good. Even when we feel helpless.

[Virago]

This page -- from the website of The House of Ruth, a battered women's shelter in Alabama -- gives a lot of insight into the reasons women stay in abusive relationships: http://www.houseofruthdothan.org/why.htm

bj: "Sometimes, women are not protected when they leave their husbands."

The linked page states,"75% of women who are killed as the result of a violent relationship are killed while trying to leave."

I don't know the source of that stat (I'm at work, or I'd try to look it up), but it fits with what I know anecdotally. (I volunteered with an anti-DV agency for 10 years, including on the hotline.)

And sometimes, the person who has been battered isn't believed even after uprooting his/her life to get out of the relationship. A friend of mine tried to get sole custody of her children on the grounds that her ex was abusive of her, but the judge told her that she was "too articulate" to have been or stayed in a marriage in which she was abused. (And yes, she had reported the abuse to the police.)

[jo(e)]

I'd like to add to this conversation by saying that many of the women I know who have successfully left abusive relationships used the support networks they found in 12-step programs like Al-Anon (abusive spouses are often alchoholics). It does seem like building a support network is often the first step towards freedom.