The 11 Step Program

This mass forwarded e-mail is making the rounds and is actually funny. (Thanks, Harry.)

Thinking of Having Kids? Do this 11 step program first!

 
Lesson 1
1. Go to the grocery store.
2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home.
4. Pick up the paper.
5. Read it for the last time.
 Lesson 2
 Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their...
1. Methods of discipline.
2. Lack of patience.
3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.
4. Allowing their children to run wild.
5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behaviour.
Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.
 Lesson 3
 A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...
1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)
2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.
4. Set the alarm for 3AM.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.
6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)
 Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.
 Lesson 4
 Can you stand the mess children make? T o find out...
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
4. Then rub them on the clean walls.
5. Take your favourite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.
6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?
 Lesson 5
 Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.
1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.
 Time allowed for this - all morning.
 Lesson 6
 Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
Leave it there.
2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
 Lesson 7
 Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.
 Lesson 8
 1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.
 You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.
 Lesson 9
 Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you're thinking What's 'Noggin'?) Exactly the point.
 Lesson 10
 Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.
 Lesson 11
Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy' tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.
 This is all very tongue in cheek; anyone who is parent will say 'it's all worth it!' Share it with your friends, both those who do and don't have kids. I guarantee they'll get a chuckle out of it. Remember, a sense of humour is one of the most important things you'll need when you become a parent!

Comments

[y81]

And it doesn't end. Today's issue is getting a summer job(!) (Lovely thought.) Unfortunately, it turns out, of course, that our daughter doesn't own a skirt long enough to go on a job interview. (She also doesn't own a top that covers enough, but that's okay, because she has a blazer.) So we have to buy a new skirt. She emails my wife and me some suggestions from Nordstrom's. I have to email back, pointing out that anything described as "edgy" is prima facie not suitable for a job interview.

But it's all worth it, of course.

[SamChevre]

But....But...But....THERE'S NO REFEREEING.

Lesson 12:
Find someone who's obviously nuts; that guy on the corner who dances with the stoplights will do nicely. Introduce him to your drunk Vietnam-veteran uncle.

Now try to settle the ensuing argument over whether it was the CIA or who caused the stoplight to be purple.

[MH]

My Vietnam-veteran uncle is very straight edge and sober. But, the nonsensical arguments are fun.

[krlock]

Loved lesson 6 about the car mess- laughed out loud at the chococalate ice cream cone in the glove box. In my car, it's usually the cup holder and I usually don't discover it until it is harden on forever and can't possibly be scraped off!

[Lee]

I like the octopus in the mesh bag.

[Clancy]

Re lesson 8: am I the only one who sometimes puts the baby in a (very gentle!) headlock when doing spoon feeding?

[Lissa]

Loved lesson 4, in fact just the other day I was looking for the remote, and lifted the couch cushion aside, and found a dried hardened cheese slice, and a piece of dried out bread in between the cushions.