Apt. 11D

Explaining Annette Lareau

Jonah, did you ask your French teacher about why you got that B on that assignment? At 5:00 p.m. today, you have an orthodontist appointment. We'll pick up Thai food on the way home and then you'll finish your English homework. Don't forget to put a book cover on your essay. A book cover always bumps a grade up half a point. Your dad can check your math when he gets home. Do you want tofu in your green curry or chicken? Ian, do you want noodles?

Every once in a while, you step back from yourself as a parent and say, "Dude! Did I actually just say that? I used to be cool. Did some alien take over my brain and turn me into this Mom Machine?"

No crab-faced alien can be blamed for transforming me from a slacker in a black dress into what I am today. According to sociologist Annette Lareau, I'm a product of my social class.

More here... 

Parties, Suitcases, Vacuuming, Laundry

I sent off another article to the Atlantic last night. I'm going to stick around the house this morning to help promote the article, but then I need to hit the malls and the supermarket. I have to put on the housewife cap for the next few days. 

We're having a party for Ian and his friends on Friday. I always have some nagging guilt that Ian and his friends don't have as much fun as their typical peers. They don't get invited to their birthday parties, and there aren't many after-school activities for them. Playdates are rare. So, every once and a while, I throw massive, over-the-top parties for them.

On Friday, I invited all the kids in his class, plus some who aren't in his class and told them to bring their siblings. I spent a ton of money on special foods. I'm decorating the house with heart shaped banners and candles. I invited the teachers. I have beverages for the adults. I think we're going to have thirty people in the house on Friday evening. I have a ton of cleaning, cooking, decorating to do for that. I'm a guilt-ridden Martha Stewart. 

Then on Sunday, we're flying to Puerto Rico. (The blog will be on hiatus for a week.) This upcoming trip brings with it another set of chores. Overhead suitcases were purchased on Monday; that chore can be ticked off the list. Clothes are a bigger problem. Summer clothes were shoved without ceremony in some boxes in the basement last September. I am weeding through them and determining whether they are too worn out to be seen in public. I think everyone needs new shorts. I have to get over my allergy towards paying full price for clothes, because there are no sales on summer clothes in February. Do we have flip flops? Sweatshirts? Bathing suits? How nasty are my toenails? Do I need a pedicure? I really hate when we go on vacation looking like hillbillies, but I suspect that three days isn't enough to straighten up. 

 Reading material. A vacation requires brain dead reading material. Wendy has thoughtfully suggested some appropriate fun reading. More ideas? 

Grey Jersey #2

Maybe I see the world through Jonah's eyes, but this is an awesome climbing tree. 

Grey Jersey

After dropping Ian off at an art class, I wandered around the small town taking pictures. 

Dreaming About Seeds

We're getting excited about spring time. Our old  house had enough room to grow exactly six tomato plants, 3 basil, and 6 pepper plants. It was in a very shady spot, and there were probably chemicals leaching into the soil from the pressure treated fence that surrounded the property. Now, we have a bit more land. Not necessarily sunny land, but it's land. 

 So, Steve's shopping for organic seeds and raised beds. And I'm pacing around the yard trying to figure out where the light will be best and how to plant tomatoes in the front yard without pissing off the neighbors.

Not here.

Maybe here. 

 

Coffee Talk

After school, Ian and I went out for coffee and treats. I'm not admitting anything, but I may have chosen this coffee houe, because I'm starved for bright color right now. I needed that POW of green combined with Ian's orange jacket. Then we went to the YMCA to renew our membership. We ended up at the library to pick up Jonah where he was sorta, kinda working on a social studies project with his buddy Artie. 

Anxiety Disorders in Kids

One of the great things about this new town is that it has a large, organized PTA for special ed moms. School districts often forget about after school activities and programs for the special ed kids. This PTA makes helps to fund programs and equipment for that population. 

As part of the meeting, the Special Education Director for the town gave a presentation about the district's offerings. She told us how many kids were getting services and where she was noticing shifts. For example, she said that there were less kids getting help for speech therapy this year. She also said that she and her staff were finding a huge jump in the number of kids with anxiety disorders. She was seeing it very young kids in Kindergarten, because the demands on young kids have increased so dramatically. It was also become apparent in the high school, as the number of kids who were cutting had jumped. 

Autism in the News

There are two articles in the New York Times about the new definition of autism. One is from a writer who was misdiagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome as a teenager. Another is from a pyschiatrist who also complains about the overdiagnosis of Asperger's. 

From a parent's perspective, check out my article in the Atlantic.

In terms of functionality, autism is a spectrum disorder. Some are eventually able to function in normal society. They'll hold down jobs and get married. They are able to function by learning how to compensate for their deficits and by finding employment that takes advantage of the unique strengths. There are others who are so severely affected that they will always need someone to care for them. 

However, autism isn't always a spectrum disorder. One kid can have a very high cognitive level, but struggle with speech acquisition. Another kid can be a fluent speaker at two, but be overwhelmed by stimulation and by a compulsion to stick to routine. One kid can have a photographic memory, and another may be especially good at building things. Sometimes it is incredibly difficult to find commonalities in these kids. 

As autism parents, we must all stick together, because all these kids need help from family, schools, and therapists to help with speech and social interactions or with overcoming OCD tics or with controlling their behavior. They need to have their gifts nurtured. 

For every one kid who is misdiagnosed with autism, there are hundreds of thousands of autistic kids who are undiagnosed. Sometimes, they are purposely misdiagnosed from school districts that do not want to pay for therapy. As any parent of an autistic child knows, that label is the key to getting the help. There is no therapy or special schools for kids who live in the grey area of No Label. 

The new definition of autism is a VERY BAD thing for parents of high functioning autism. While I know that the scientific community's motives in the creating the new definition of autism are pure and based on an interest in science, others are not so convinced. Some parents have whispered to me that this new definition is a plot by the insurance companies who don't want to pay for services any more. I don't believe that, but I do believe that autism parents are stretched to their limit and that these changes will make their lives much more difficult. 

The Ritalin Solution

In yesterday's Times, L. Alan Sroufe argues that we are over medicating our kids with Ritalin and other ADD drugs. He argues that these drugs have serious side effects and that the concentration benefits wear off over time. (At one point in the article, he says the side affects are serious and permanent, but later claims that the side affects are temporary. Confused.) He said that ADD  is misunderstood. It isn't a neurological problem, but a behavior problems that is caused by bad parenting. 

Behavior problems in children have many possible sources. Among them are family stresses like domestic violence, lack of social support from friends or relatives, chaotic living situations, including frequent moves, and, especially, patterns of parental intrusiveness that involve stimulation for which the baby is not prepared. For example, a 6-month-old baby is playing, and the parent picks it up quickly from behind and plunges it in the bath. Or a 3-year-old is becoming frustrated in solving a problem, and a parent taunts or ridicules. Such practices excessively stimulate and also compromise the child’s developing capacity for self-regulation.

At this moment, I'm drumming my fingers on my desk, while I try to decide how much personal information that I should reveal. Answer: not much. Let's just say that my views on the topic are based on some family experiences,  conversations with neurologists and parents, and whatever scholarly articles squeak through the paywall. 

Attention problems aren't just because of bad parenting. That's a ludicrous, old fashioned, and annoying notion. Attention problems are clearly neurological. You'll see the gene passed down from parent to child and you'll see differences among children within one family. It seems highly unlike that a mom was in the habit of plunging Kid #1 in a tub of water, but not Kid #2. The Bad Parent theory fails to explain ADD.  

While Sroufe's Bad Parent theory makes me vomit, I am very sympathetic to his concern about the over medication of kids. 

I think there is a rather large population of kids who have trouble concentrating in school. They are smart, wonderful kids, but they simply cannot sit still in a desk for seven hours a day, while a teacher talks about the GDP of Peru. With the rise of high stakes testing, there is even more pressure on schools to reign in these daydreamers and force them to the concentrate. Rather than creating learning environments that will suit the daydreamers, schools are growing less and less tolerant of them. 

To meet the demands for high test scores, schools are pressuring parents to medicate the kids. (I have lots of anecdotal stories here, but I'm not telling those stories right now. ) It is much, much cheaper to medicate a kid, then provide him or her with a classroom aide. These medications do have temporary side affects that are rather gruesome. Some cause the kid to pull out hair or pick at his skin until it bleeds. 

The problem is that these drugs work to a certain extent. They do help the kid get through a boring day at school. I just wish there was a drug to give the schools that would help them be less boring. 

A Blogging Dinosaur

A friend sent me a link to an interesting article about online college education and the unbundling of universities. It reminded me of a blog post that I wrote years ago, and so I dug around to find it. Back in August of 2003, I predicted that we would see more and more of online college education and that it would make it even harder for people like me to find jobs. 

It's funny to read this random thought that I had nine years ago. I was such a kid. I had only been blogging for a few weeks. My kids were babies and we were living in a crappy apartment in Manhattan with annoying neighbors. I was skinny. I was writing academic papers and teaching at a university. We were house hunting. Then we moved. 

I often think I should stop blogging about my personal life. Those posts invite judgement, and that criticism hurts much more than criticism about my views of politics or pop culture. Any criticism of my kids makes me breath fire. But of all those old posts, it is the personal posts that I treasure the most.