Apt. 11D

Dealing With Disappointment

In this month's Atlantic Monthly, Lori Gottlieb writes that as a graduate student in pyschology, she learned that people end up frustrated, angry and disturbed, because their parents failed them in some way. Once she started practicing therapy, a stream of unhappy, miserable patients in their 20s and 30s sat on her sofa. Unlike the unhappy people in her textbooks, these patients actually had great parents who doted on them, gave them lots of options, and were warm and supportive. What went wrong?

Gottlieb explains that these parents were actually too good. They gave their kids too many options and protected them from failures, which made them unable to handle real disappointments that always happen in life. Because they never had to learn to overcome the disappointment of being cut from the baseball team, they didn't know how to handle the disappointment of not getting the promotion in their law firm or never finding true love. 

I know parents who offer their kids ridiculous options. Instead of giving them a choice between chocolate or vanilla ice-cream, the parents give the kids power over major family decisions. Where do you want to go on vacation this year: the beach or the mountains? What should I make you for dinner: chicken or pizza? 

Those rookie parents are no doubt creating spoiled children, but bad parenting isn't the source of sad adults. 

I'm at that point in my life where I'm surrounded by people who have been disappointed in some way. They never had a child. They never found the right job. They live with chronic illness. Their children have ADHD, dyslexia, epilepsy, or autism. Most of my friends are confronting these demons right now and will hopefully come out the other end in a few years. 

June's a tough month for me, because I have to watch other people's children perform in end-of-the-year assemblies or go through other rites of passage, which Ian doesn't get to participate in. In my more selfish moments, I feel that both of us have been cheated. 

We're all struggling to deal with this disappointments, not because our parents gave us too many options. My parents wouldn't even let me choose what band instrument that I would play in school. "You have to play the flute. Bells are a stupid instrument."

I think our disappointment comes from the fact that there are a deep inequalities in life. Some get more and some get less. Yes, the world could be structured better to lessen these inequalities, but some of these disappointments are just part of life. No political and social changes can prevent a child from contracting a disability or give someone the perfect job. This is a tough pill to swallow, because we have such a limited notion of success in this country. 

We're taught in school and in the media  that we can have whatever we want if we dream it and if we work really hard. It's the American Dream, after all. But there are somethings that dreams and hard work won't fix. 

I think that the people who can cope with disappointment are those who never bought into the standard notions of success, who have rejected the tyranny of normality, and happily live in a world without Harvard bound children and Pottery Barn sofas. 

Happy and Sad

Ian is the happiest boy in town today. After getting dressed, eating breakfast, choking down his "vitamin"-laced juice, and saying good-bye to his older brother, he sat on the porch swing waiting dejectedly for his school bus. It was then that I realized that his school was closed today. I suppose he could have been pissed at me for forgetting. He could have had an extra hour of sleep, after all. Instead, he's happily watching Cartoon Network right now. 

At first, I was annoyed that my work plans for the day were derailed again, but looking over the schedule, there are a lot of driving around chores to do. There was never much computer time left over anyway. Now, I'll have pint-sized company as I drive around Bergen County. 

As Ian laughs at the cartoons, I'm picking up the refuge of a busy Memorial Day weekend - damp bathing suits, sweaty Boy Scout uniforms, barbecue tongs, stinky cleats. I want to squeeze out a couple of blog posts and then I'm on my way, with Ian in the backseat, to the CSA pick up and the lawyer's office. 

Since moving is now highly unlikely, we have to move to Plan B, which is to put band-aids on the problems in our current situation and hang tight. Plan B involves a $2,000 retainer fee. 

I'm trying to take an Ian approach to this change of plans. There is a lot to be said for our current situation - a 15-year mortgage, a home that has been tailored to our taste, a good commute for Steve. We'll make some adjustments, and all will be fine. 

Now, time for a housing post....

Not Normal Families

In Sunday's Magazine section, Susan Dominus writes about two little girls in British Columbia who share a brain. The mother of these little girls explains that her family was never normal, so they accepted their daughters' differences better than other families. 

Simms has always appreciated what she characterizes as her mother’s easygoing ways. It was Louise who paid for her first facial piercing, at age 12, and who accepted the news easily when she learned her daughter was pregnant three years later. “We were never normal,” Simms says, and “that was O.K.” She thinks that in some ways it was easier for her family to accept the idea of conjoined twins than it might have been for a family that was more conventional. They did not have to reinvent their sense of themselves, the image they presented to the world. “In my house growing up, everything didn’t have to be perfect,” she said. “I never had to be like everybody else, look like everybody else.”

It's definitely easier to accept the fact that your kid doesn't fall within a bell curve, if your identity isn't caught up with being normal. If you long to be the SUV driving mom with the honor roll stickers on the bumper, then your child's dyslexia will be a bitter pill to swallow. I love that this face-pieced, single mom has so much grace. 

Best Nike Ads for Girls

The Crazy Parent

The New York Times has about three stories about parents that they recycle over and over. One of their favorite story topics is "The Crazy Parent" -- that hysterical, grade grubbing parent who pushes their poor children way too far and buys that Harvard sticker for the car when their kids are still watching Elmo. I'm not saying that there aren't parents like that, but I do get tired of that story line in the Times. 

I'm not sure why the Times keeps going after that topic, when most parents are completely normal. Since this article from Kate Zernike is on the most e-mailed list, we'll will probably get a lot more of "Crazy Parent" articles in the future. 

Zernike writes about parents who sign up their kids for Kumon to get them reading before kindergarten. The horror level at those Kumon parents was a little over the top. 

My kids learned to read early probably because I read them stories every day, they had ABC books, and they watched Sesame Street. I didn't do all that because I wanted to give them an edge in the cut throat world of kindergarten. It's just part of the parenting package, and the kids liked it. I suppose if you don't have time for one-on-one reading time, then you might want to send your kids to Kumon for an hour a week. Does it hurt the kids? No. Does it help the kids? Probably not. 

While Kumon and other after school supplementary services are probably not going to propel pre-schoolers to Harvard, those programs are very helpful in older grades, because schools aren't drilling kids on multiplication tables anymore. I'm looking around for a good writing program to supplement my older child's sixth grade curriculum. I have friends who send their kids to reading programs. Ian has nearly six days of after school specials.

In an ideal world, we wouldn't have to do this stuff. In an ideal world, we would be all educating our kids like Tilda Swinton, in alternative private school in a Scottish town. And we do do a lot of free-style educating of our kids, but there's some stuff that I just can't on a canoe trip or at an urban garden (posts and pix to follow).  

Freeze Tag Is BANNED

According to the Daily News:

State bureaucrats have identified a potentially deadly hazard facing our children this summer - freeze tag.

That's right, officials have decided the age-old street game - along with Wiffle Ball, kickball and dodgeball - poses a "significant risk of injury." 

Julia Sweeney's Sex Ed Monologue

(Thanks to Julie G.)

Diets and Drugs

Earlier in the week, an interesting discussion popped up in a quickie post about the FDA examining the impact of food dyes on hyperactive behavior. I was swamped this week and didn't have a chance to foster the discussion, so I thought we could return to it today. 

In the special ed community, there is a huge debate about whether or not kids are over medicated and whether or not special diets can change behavior.

I have one group of friends who refuse to put their kids on ADHD drugs. They say that kids are over-medicated today, these drugs all cause terrible side effects, and that schools push the drug solution, so they don't have to do the hard work of teaching kids to learn to focus or to control their bodies. This group often believe in holistic solutions, including gluten-free diets and vitamin supplements.

The other side says that Ritalin and its cousins really help kids. They are able to sit in their chairs and take their tests. These drugs enable the kid to function in a normal world and gives their brains a chance to catch up with their peers. They point out that there is no scientific evidence that gluten-free diets make any changes in behavior or attention. And removing pasta from a picky child's diet is traumatic from everyone. 

For me, a life without proper pasta isn't worth living. 

I'm open minded on this topic. I'm curious what you think. 

Twin Talk and Food Dyes

The mom blogs are furiously linking to two topics this morning. One is this viral video of twin boys talking to each other. Well, there aren't really talking. They are cracking themselves up by mimicking their parents and each other. As a parent of kid with language delays, I find this video fascinating. It shows a basic pre-language stage of joint attention and mimicry. In order to talk, we have to have the ability to copy and the interest in caring what others think. 

 

The other topic du jour is about a report by the FDA that food coloring may cause behavior problems. Parents have long suspected that Fruit Loops and Kool Aid made their kids crazy. Now the FDA may start paying attention. They are setting up a panel to investigate. "Artificial dyes were developed — just as aspirin was — from coal tar, but are now made from petroleum products." Ack! 

Steve has to stop taking the kids to 7/11 to get those Slurpies. 

Bad Idea Jeans

Abercrombie and Fitch  is marketing a padded, push up bikini top for seven year old girls. 

Nice?

(Bad Idea Jeans)